it must be a nice feeling.. knowing exactly what you want in life.

i hate having to worry each night if everything is going to be alright in the end. it's become a daily affair- fretting about expectations and uncertainty. and the fear that takes over is just insane. i cry about my worries so much recently it's almost crippling. i feel like i have to sleep 14hrs a day to make up for the energy expended during these moments of panic.
today my dad asked me about employment, and if anyone in school has started looking for jobs. i was spacing out in a panic because.. i realised my dad doesn't know how shitty my grades are relative to the rest of the cohort. they're not pathetically terrible, but they're not good. i think about how he's always had high hopes for me and knowing i cannot possibly live up to those expectations really gets to me. i wonder why i've always vied to be the smartest kid in the family. i suppose it's the contentment i get from that one small moment when my parents say they're proud of me for achieving good grades. it's silly, really, how much i crave approval from my parents.
looking back now, i realise how naive i was/am. it was all a stupid childish theory i'd phantomed in my head. good grades results in more affection from my parents. and now so much is being placed on my shoulders. i don't know how much longer i can carry on with this facade, indulging in my parents' deluded hopes of having a successful daughter when all i am right now is mediocre, and maybe that's all i'll ever be.
i used to get good grades. but good grades aren't really anything, just figures on a transcript which says you've done better than most. but at the end of the day you're just average. and now i'm not even average. i've achieved nothing, and yet i feel so tired already.
why must growing up be so hard?
today the boy commented that i wasted my a level grades because i might've gotten a scholarship. and i had a panic moment at that very instant because it opened a pandora's box of what ifs.
what if i'd applied for dentistry instead of thinking that i wouldn't have passed the dexterity test. what if i hadn't gone to ntu. what if i hadn't withdrawn my ava scholarship application. what if i'd bothered to applied for vet science overseas. what if i had been determined enough to stick to my "i won't ever do Business." belief.

that's the worst feeling in the world- regret. knowing that you've let yourself down because you never tried hard enough for something you'd really wanted, but settled for something easier instead.