1.
when was the last time i spoke to someone i is/was really close to? i can't even remember our last conversation, if it was about random nothings like how my curtains are falling apart or the fact that your most hated author is you-jin (lol). i want to talk to you on the phone like we did so many many many nights (631, maybe)ago and know what's going on with you and if you do think like i do- that we're subtlety growing apart from each other and
(and what else comes after growing apart i have no idea)

2.
strangely enough i havent seen you in almost two weeks although you are always a door away on most nights of the week. we converse through texts more than voices and there is a certain coldness to it. i seem to have gotten used to it i don't feel compelled to keep in contact with you anymore, to dig up your dirty secrets and you won't care to talk either.

3.
i feel wasted. hope for revelation everyday, that i will miraculously be perfect tomorrow but nothing ever happens. i am sick of having to subdue my fears each night and convince myself that i can do better. i want to be someone else because i can never be good enough for me and what others expect of me. annoyance that i won't let myself be better.
whatever. i have never felt more desolate than this.

4.
i caught you in one of my dreams the other night, but only for a fleeting moment. we were really young still, and i couldnt be sure if my image of you was from one of your photos i see so often these days or if it was from my memory. i wish i'd known you better sometimes i think of you throughout the day, wonder why this is happening (if it really happened?) wonder if they will ever be alright.
christmas is coming soon and it feels like nothing has changed although everything has.

Labels: hopes and dreams