i just got off the phone with dawn; im supposed to be sleeping but im too hungry to do that.

things have been pissing me off these few days but i wont let them affect me. not that they do. so, anyway i miss secondary school. i miss some people from there, though not everybody. i dont want to grow up because everything that is adult is trouble. everything that is adult is worrisome. everything that is adult is everything that im running from, and yet i can't escape this cesspool.
i want to go back in time and live everything all over again, and maybe i'll do things differently, but then again maybe i wont because then i wont be where i am now and i won't have all the friends that i have now. why wont somebody write some manual which tells me what to do when i'm faced with the problem of "how to fail in life without letting anybody down" or even better, "how to never fail in anything". which is impossible. i wonder why i wasn't born with some special ability like super memory or magic or super speed or *sigh* teleportation or *double sigh* immortality.
i think teleportation would be super fun cos then i can be like hayden christensen in jumper and travel the world, just that im not really travelling cos ill be teleporting.
immortality would be awesome, just that ill have to watch everyone around be grow old and die, which is just as bad as dying yourself because having to watch people you love die a hundred times over is something we shouldnt have to go through. imagine you fall in love 10 times and all 10 times you watch your lover die. then wouldnt it be better to live without love. but how could anyone live without love anyway. well maybe it is possible.
i want to be apathetic so that nothing can touch me, but at the same time be not so apathetic so i can have nice things in life. i want to throw away whatever i have now, (which is practically nothing cos i dont feel like ive accomplished anything huge in life anyway) and go live somewhere faraway where there are no humans but then i would miss humans. i want to quit school and be a hedonist but my parents will never allow it.
i hate society.
i used to think that being a whale would be awesome cos the ocean would be yours, but then it would get super boing after awhile. i imagined myself as some dumb whale swimming around and getting lost in the ocean and i realised it wasnt fun at all. worse, i could be poached! it's silly. i pity my brother's hamsters cos they must be bored out of their wits. its life consists of Jolly hamster food, urine drenched bedding and a pink hamster wheels. and then im grateful because im human, but only for awhile because being human is hard.
i hate being the academically inclined child at home because all everyone expects from you is results. hoho, i get scolded for getting a d and everyone sighs in relief when someone merely passes math. and i hate having to carry the weight of my parent's expectations because it's too difficult to make someone happy without making myself less happy. incase you dont know, i happen to be super selfish and bitchy at home because i have a severe case of middle child syndrome where i think that i deserve everything because i try the hardest. my dad tells me that im selfish and my mother doesnt tell me what she thinks of me; she tells my relatives and her friends, which is where i got my hypocritic, bitchass genes from. my brother thinks im a source of Heroes and Pushing Daisies, and my sister knows im a tyrant. thats all thats negative.
positively, daddy thinks that i am the best out of the 3, mother still doesnt think much of me, brother thinks i am a computer whizz and my sister likes it when i buy her food.

so, it is weird/difficult/depressing to be the middle child who is expected to deliver.
and i am afraid that i wont be able to deliver because i have some huge mental barrier that tells me O levels were my ultimatum and there is nothing more i can do for the rest of my life. please dont let that be true, because then i'll be truly screwed. i hope my sister will turn into a genius overnight so i wont have to carry on but then it's quite unfathomable. i hope 2009 makes me happy so that i will know that at least i have made something out of myself, and that all this was worth it.

and bloody school starts in 6 hours' time.